my shit smells like andre
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
