had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
