Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
