If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
