when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize