Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
