We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
