he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
