I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
