I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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