how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize