I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
