Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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