Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
