I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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