Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
