i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
