He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
