You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
