Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
