dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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