My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
