Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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