The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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