end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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