When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
false alarm. still invincible.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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