Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
