If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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