my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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