Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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