I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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