Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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