Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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