chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
