Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
