Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
