you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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