WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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