you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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