You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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