It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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