I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
