i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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