I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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