i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
