Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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