if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
