While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
