this beer tastes like vomit already
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
