I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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