i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
