its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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