god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
