I've blown a few things in my day
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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