He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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