I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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