I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
