How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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