I think I am morally bankrupt
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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