I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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