Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize