every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
