Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
