The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
