If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
