I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
