It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
