I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
