I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
