this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
