please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize