respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
