yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Barsexuality is the new black.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
These tits shall not be calmed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize