if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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